Dear Cycle Breaker, You’re Learning Without a Roadmap

I think about this often. How many of us are moving through life without a roadmap?

Yes, there isn’t a roadmap for everything, and no one gets instructions for every turn life takes. We have to learn to figure things out as we go. What I’m talking about is the missing templates.

The ones that affect our emotions, our connections with people, and the small everyday things. Most of it feels like figuring it out in real time. Making a choice, seeing what happens, and learning from that instead of expecting it to be perfect.

When these templates are incomplete or inconsistent, things that seem simple or obvious to others can feel confusing and overwhelming for you. Not because something is wrong, but because there was nothing steady to reference.

For many of us, there’s an understanding that our parents did the best they could with what they had and knew, and often that’s true. Many of them were also navigating without clear examples.

They were also learning as they went, without clear examples, making choices based on what was familiar, what was modeled for them, and what helped them get through their own lives.

But without the space to reflect on their own patterns or try to change them, those same templates were passed down.

And now you find yourself learning how to edit something you didn’t consciously choose, without a clear guide on how to do that.

Naming this isn’t about blaming or pointing fingers. It’s about honesty, and it’s okay if that realization brings up sadness, frustration, or even anger. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful; it means you’re paying attention.

So much of learning what you need now happens slowly. In therapy. Through observing healthier dynamics. Through trial and error. For many of you, it might be having the awareness of what you don’t want in your life based on what you grew up with.

What I want to acknowledge here is the work. The effort that it takes to learn something that was never modeled. I hope you extend some self-compassion and remember that you were expected to figure things out without ever being shown how.

You weren’t given many examples of calm, repair, or consistency. A lot of what you learned came from watching what didn’t work and deciding to choose something different. That takes courage.

And when growth feels slow or uncertain, I hope you remember that you’re learning without a roadmap, and that it’s okay if that takes time. You’re not late, you’re not behind. You’re allowed to move at a pace that feels right for you.

I am always rooting for you, cycle breaker!

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