How to Process Your Emotions (When No One Taught You How)

If no one showed you how to process your emotions, you're not alone, and it's not your fault. As a cycle breaker, you're probably the first person in your family to pause and think about your emotions. That is a BIG deal, and I am so proud of you.

If you're new to this or know you should process your emotions but have never been given the tools, this is a safe space to start learning. Let's talk about it. 

As a therapist, I have encountered so many clients who share, "I don't know what I'm feeling, " "I can't control myself," or "I didn't know what else to do." Trust me, I get it.

Of course, if no one shows you how to process your emotions or provides you with the right tools, it will feel confusing and overwhelming. Many of us grew up in homes where emotions weren't talked about but instead pushed to the side or dealt with in silence.

So, if you're wondering why it's hard for you to manage your emotions or why they come out of nowhere, that actually makes sense. And if you're trying to figure it out now, you're in the right place. Let's start with the basics. 

What Are Emotions, Really?

Since we are starting with the basics, let's discuss emotions. At their core, emotions are signals that tell your body and mind that something is happening inside you or around you. They help you understand your internal experiences and how you relate to the world around you.  

Emotions are not random, and even if you don't understand why a particular emotion is showing up, there's always a reason. All of our emotions carry important information and it can be very helpful if you can learn to listen. 

Emotions are not good or bad; they just are (If you're one of my clients, you've probably heard me say this a million times). The problem is that if no one taught you about emotions or what to do with all your feelings, it can feel very overwhelming.

The first rule of learning to process your emotions is to start noticing them without acting on them, avoiding them, or judging them. You're starting to get more curious about them and what they are trying to communicate.

The more you can observe, notice, and name them, the less power they will have over you. Don't worry; later in this blog post, I will provide you with all the tools you need to notice without acting or suppressing your emotions.

The Difference Between Emotions and Feelings

You might have heard people use the words emotions and feelings interchangeably, assuming they are the same. They are not.

Emotions and feelings both do different jobs inside us. I like to think of emotions as what your body does and feelings as what your mind makes of them.

Your emotions come first. Emotions are your body's first response to something. You don't choose them, and you don't think your way into an emotion; you feel your way into it.

This can look like stomach dropping, heat in your face, difficulty breathing, wanting to cry but not knowing why, muscle tension, etc. It's your nervous system talking in a way before your brain can even make sense of what's going on.

You might not know exactly what triggered your emotion, but your body recorded something, whether it's something from the present moment or an old memory that your body just reminded you of.

Your feelings typically come after your emotions when your brain starts to catch up. Feelings give meaning to your internal experiences by labeling them or telling a story.

For example, if you feel heat in your face, your brain might interpret that as anger or stress, depending on the situation and your history. How you name the emotion is shaped by the messages you grew up with, what was safe to feel and what wasn't.

Let's say you grew up in a home where anger was not allowed or was seen as a 'bad' emotion. You might not recognize your feelings as anger but might say you're feeling tired, overwhelmed, or stressed. It's the same emotion, but it has a different name based on what you learned was okay to feel.

When I first started learning about emotions and regulation, I realized my pattern was wanting to figure out the why behind an emotion. If I could figure out the why, I could fix it and make it go away.

AND, that's not how emotions work. I realized my urge to explain everything was the feeling part- the labeling and the story. My brain was trying to make sense of what my body was doing.

What I really needed was to stop intellectualizing and focus on listening to what my emotions had to say. My nervous system had already responded, and my body was already speaking. I didn't need to think harder, I needed to pause and be present with my body even if I didn't have all the answers to solve the why.

The shift happened when I was able to connect with my body without rushing to fix it. That's when I started to understand that learning how to process your emotions starts with being present. 

So how to feel your feelings instead of intellectualizing them? If you were never taught to sit with your emotions or only learned to ignore them or turn them into something else, this is your opportunity to start noticing what your body is saying without jumping to the words right away.

When you're able to start doing that, you're already starting to break the pattern.

Why Emotions Matter

I will be honest: for the longest time (and before becoming a therapist), I thought emotions were something that just got in my way, and if I can just keep them out of my way, then I can make 'good' choices. 

I know now that my emotions were never the problem; they were signals that were always trying to indicate to me that something needed attention.

Like I said earlier, your emotions will show up before you have the opportunity to assign them any meaning, which means they will be uncomfortable and not always clear, but they will still carry some message.

Sadness might be saying, "Things did not go the way you expected." Shame might be saying, "You're having an emotional experience that has been invalidated." Even numbness has a message that might be saying, "This is too much right now."

When you disconnect from your body, you repeat patterns you might not even realize you're stuck in. Start by thinking of your emotions as messengers.  
When you start to focus on your emotions instead of avoiding or suppressing them, you can start to notice things like old reactions and patterns that you didn't realize were still playing out. 

The more you stay with your emotions, the better clarity you will have about what you need.

What Happens When You Don't Process Your Emotions

Do you think if you don't process your emotions or avoid them long enough, they disappear? Unfortunately, no. 

Your emotions will find other ways to show up, and the view isn't always pretty. That can look like feeling constantly on edge, feeling anxious or depressed, snapping at people, slamming things, shutting down, tension in your body turning into pain, feeling numb, turning to unhealthy coping habits, or overwhelmed, etc.

If you were raised in a family where emotions weren't talked about or seen as too much, you probably learned to shove them down just to get through the day or be accepted. Your nervous system was working hard to protect you, but now as an adult, those same old patterns might be hurting you. 

Unprocessed emotions will find a way to leak and eventually start running the show. It's only when you pause and start allowing yourself to feel your emotions without pushing them away or trying to fix them constantly that things will start to shift.

The space you're able to create because of the pause is where awareness lives and where you will learn to start responding instead of reacting. 

The goal isn't to blame, but to give yourself the permission to feel and take up space so it does not control you from the inside out.

Helpful vs. Harmful Ways to Manage Emotions

When it comes to managing your emotions, not all ways of coping are equal. Some strategies will help you feel and move through what you're feeling in a healthy way, while others might give you short-term relief but not help in the long term.

Here are a few examples of what helpful vs. harmful ways to manage emotions can look like:

Ways that usually don't help even if they might seem like they do:

• Constantly intellectualizing the emotions to fix them instead of feeling them.
• Zoning out with food (binge eating, overeating, etc), scrolling for hours, and using substances (like alcohol or drugs) to help you escape how you're feeling even if just temporary
• Telling yourself you need to be stronger, less sensitive, or just get over it.
• Ignoring your feelings or being in denial about your situation 
• Avoiding people or situations to avoid hard conversations; withdrawing 
• Reacting in aggressive ways towards others
• Engaging in self-harming behaviors as a way to cope

Ways that usually help even if it's not comfortable:

• Noticing and pausing before reacting, even when you don't really know what you're feeling
• Letting yourself cry, take some space, exercise, sit in silence, etc
• Extending self-compassion to yourself instead of being self-critical
• Instead of isolating yourself, you talk to people you feel safe with and trust.

Harmful coping strategies might give you some short-term relief, but they tend to leave you feeling even more disconnected from yourself. Learning how to process emotions in a healthy way starts with allowing your emotions to be seen instead of engaging in harmful coping strategies. 

When you try to cope in adaptive ways, it might feel uncomfortable in the moment, and you might not get what you want right away, but there is more freedom on the other side of it.

What's the Nervous System Got to do With It?

What's the nervous system got to do with it? A LOT! Understanding the nervous system when you're learning how to process your emotions can be a game changer. 

Your nervous system is your body's built-in alarm and calm system. It constantly scans your environment and asks, "Am I safe?" or "Am I in danger?" even when you don't realize it.

There are two parts of your nervous system that you should know about:

• Sympathetic Nervous system (think fight, flight, freeze or fawn)
• Parasympathetic Nervous System (rest and digest)

When you feel anxious, overwhelmed, scared, or stressed, your sympathetic nervous system kicks in. You might notice your breathing getting faster, your muscles tensing up, your heart racing, or your focus narrowing.

What is happening is your body preparing to fight (fight the threat), fly (run away), freeze (shut down and go still), or fawn (people—please stay safe).

Your parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, is your body's calm state. When you feel safe and calm, the parasympathetic is running the show. You might notice your muscles feel relaxed, you sleep better, your heart rate isn't racing, etc. 

If you grew up in a family that did not model healthy emotion regulation or handle emotions in unhealthy ways, such as yelling, silent treatment, emotional neglect, or unpredictability, your nervous system might have learned to stay stuck in the sympathetic nervous system.

Before I learned how to regulate my emotions in a healthy way, I noticed that little things, like someone's tone of voice, a disagreement, or the sense that someone was in a bad mood, would set me on edge.

I found myself constantly scanning other people's emotions and trying to figure out how I could fix it or keep the peace without really thinking about it. It was how my body learned to survive. You may have developed your own ways of coping that helped you when you were growing up, but you may still be running the show today.

BUT, the good news is that your nervous system CAN relearn how to feel safe. When you learn how to process your emotions, you might tend to think it's just about thinking differently and forget (or don't know) that it's also about working with their bodies.

Helping your nervous system feel safe again is one of the first steps towards healing.

Step-by-Step: How to Process Your Emotions

Learning how to process your emotions can feel confusing or overwhelming at first, but remember, your emotions are not the enemy. They are messengers trying to tell you what's happening inside of you. 

You are going to learn how to pause, notice, and respond to your emotions and build a healthier relationship with yourself.

Don't worry; I am here to give you a step-by-step guide to help you with it. Read through ALL the steps first, and then re-read them again. Let's get started.

Step 1: Pause and Notice

Learning to pause and notice what's happening inside you is the first step in learning how to process your emotions. 

When I first heard 'pause and notice,' I will be honest, that sounded like a foreign language. I now realize why that was. Growing up in a family where feelings were ignored or criticized, the idea of stopping to turn inward felt uncomfortable and scary at first.

If that's how you're feeling, that's OKAY!

Pausing means creating moments of stillness by pressing the pause button on your life so you can check in with yourself. You're not rushing to react, distract yourself, or numb yourself, but rather giving yourself permission to slow down, even just for a few seconds.

Noticing is what you do in that pause. It's an opportunity to turn inward and observe what is happening. The goal is not to fix, change, or rationalize but to NOTICE!

You might notice a lump in your throat, shallow breathing, an urge to escape or be impulsive, muscle tension, noticing you're angry, overwhelmed, sad, or maybe noticing you don't know what you're feeling right now. That's completely normal.

Again, the goal is not to control or analyze the feeling right now. You don't need to do anything about it at this step. Just acknowledge that something is there. It's just to create some space between you and the emotion. You want just enough space to notice you're feeling something instead of completely being drowned in it.

In the next step, you will learn how to turn towards these sensations and understand how they show up in your body. 

But here's something really important: When you're in the middle of a big emotion, pausing and noticing can almost feel impossible. In those moments, your nervous system is activated, and your thoughts are completely fused with your feelings. 

A lot of my clients will share that they didn't even realize they were in emotion mind until much later. I wanted to say early on that emotion regulation is a skill that needs to be built, and pausing and noticing take a lot of practice.

You want to practice not only when you're emotionally activated but, more importantly, when you're doing okay and feeling calm. The more you practice during the 'easier' moments, the better you will pause and notice when things get harder. 

It's okay if you don't always remember to do it or you don't feel like doing it. That's part of the process.

The first step just requires you to keep showing up for yourself and noticing that something is happening emotionally, including the body's possible reactions. Think about this step as glancing into the window.

Step 2: Find the Feeling in Your Body

Now that you have paused and noticed your feelings, the next step is to learn to locate where that emotion is living in your body and exploring them more deeply. This is the step where you learn to open the door and sit with what you glanced over through the window. 

When I first heard, 'Where do you feel it in your body?' It definitely felt strange. Before becoming a therapist, I always thought emotions were something I had to figure out, suppress, or explain. What I came to understand is that our emotions show up in our bodies often before we even realize what we are feeling.

So, how do you find the feeling in your body? You start by gently turning your attention inward and scanning your body. The goal is not to get it right, but just to start expanding on your curiosity and sitting with the sensations. 

Ask yourself: 

• As I am scanning my body, what sensations am I noticing?
• Where do I feel tightness or tenseness?
• Do I feel a pit in my stomach?
• Is my breathing shallow?
• Does my chest feel constricted?

It's okay if you don't exactly know what you're feeling and why right now. You're only focusing on becoming aware of what is showing up inside of you. Everyone's body talks to them a little differently.

Scanning your body to identify physical sensations helps you ground yourself by focusing on the present moment, especially as emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming. When you learn to identify them in your body, you have something you can work with, and it becomes more manageable.

Note: If you grew up in a chaotic home or weren't taught to pay attention to your body, this step might feel strange at first. Turning into your body can feel unsafe. If that is the case, go slowly and gently. 

Start by noticing one thing instead of doing a full body scan. If at any point it feels too much, you can come back to your breath or ground yourself using the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise. This serves as a reminder that you're safe.

Step 2 of how to process your emotions is all about connecting with yourself in a curious way. You're building a relationship with your emotions, and relationships take time. Don't try to rush the process or think you're doing something wrong.

Step 3: Name the Feeling

The next step in learning how to process your emotions is to name what you're feeling. Naming your feelings helps your brain make sense of them and helps take you out of the emotion. 

It is okay if you don't know exactly how you're feeling because our emotions are messy and layered. If you grew up in an environment where people didn't talk about emotions, your emotional vocabulary might be limited. That's not your fault.

This step is all about helping you start building on your emotional vocabulary. So, how do you begin to name an emotion you don't even understand?
Simply explained? Be curious. I know I sound like a broken record continuing to ask you to be curious, but that truly is the best way to help you process your emotions. 

So, the next time you are emotionally activated, ask yourself: Does the feeling remind you of anything? If the feeling could talk, what would it say? If the feeling had a color or temperature, what would it be? Think about the last time you felt this, and what was going on then.

You can also use the clues you collected from step 2 to help you translate body sensations into emotional words.

For example, muscle tightening, teeth clenching, getting hot, and wanting to get physical could point to anger. A fast heartbeat, getting hot/cold, a lump in the throat, and a tight chest might mean anxiety or fear. Smiling, feeling open, and feeling active might be signs you're feeling joy or happiness. Numbness might be a sign of overwhelm or even shutting down.

Again, the goal is not to get it right; think of it more like having a conversation with yourself.

When I am working on identify and naming I feeling, I will talk to myself by saying things like ' I think i'm feeling sad right now,' or ' I'm not really sure, maybe its shame or anger?' or ' I don't totally know, but I know I feel hurt'

Saying, "I don't know what I am feeling," is just as powerful. You're giving your emotion space to be seen, and you try not to push it away or get lost in it. It's almost like you're saying, "I see you." 

Step 3 is about putting words to something your body is experiencing. I promise that over time, this will get easier, and you will start to spot the signs much earlier.

That's the beauty of awareness—it creates possibility for change.

Step 4: Regulate the Emotion 

Now that you've learned to pause, notice what's happening in your body, and name the feeling, let's talk about what you do with it.

That's where regulation comes in. Learning how to process your emotions is the first step to regulate your emotions. 

Regulating an emotion means helping your mind and body return to your baseline by supporting yourself through it. People often use coping and regulating interchangeably, but they are not exactly the same.

Coping can be helpful, neutral, or harmful depending on how it impacts you in the long term. Some popular coping strategies include watching TV, napping, avoiding the situation, eating comfort foods, scrolling, etc. They help you reduce the discomfort in the moment, but do not necessarily help you understand or move through the emotion.

Regulation is learning to ride out the wave of emotions without shutting down, avoiding them, or being overwhelmed by them.

• Regulation = Tuning in; helps your body and nervous system calm down enough so you can feel what you're feeling without being consumed by it.
• Coping = Tuning out; a toolbox that helps you survive the emotion in the moment and helps you keep going; it does not always bring long-term relief.

Both regulation and coping are ways you can take care of yourself when your emotions feel too big or overwhelming.

So, how do you regulate an emotion? Well, the answer isn't straightforward. It depends on what works for you. What works for one person might not work for you, but there are plenty of tools you can try and practice. Here are some of my favorites:

• Move your body: Whether you shake your arms, jump around, take a walk, or dance it out, moving your body is a great way to prevent your emotions from getting stuck. 
• Breathe slowly and deeply: When you take slow and long exhales, you tell your nervous system it is safe to calm down. Even one full breath can make a difference.
• Journal about your emotions: writing about what you're feeling can give your emotions a place to go.
• Talk it through: Regulation does not mean you have to go through it alone. Sometimes it means asking for support. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to help you move through it.
• Sleep it off: Have you ever heard the saying, 'Just sleep it off?' When you rest, you give your body a chance to reset and process things more clearly.
• Take a break: Most situations do not require immediate action. Step away and do something that helps soothe you, and then come back to it.

You don't need to use all these tools at once. Just focus on 1-2 that help you feel more grounded in that moment.

This also goes back to my point about practicing skills when you're not feeling activated. Most skills are good ways to build resilience, and you do not need to wait until you're upset to use them.

Emotion regulation is a skill, and the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.

I will say that regulation is not always about feeling good. It's a misconception that regulating your emotions means everything is going to be okay.

Regulation is about feeling safe enough with your emotions to stay with them instead of avoiding them, suppressing them, or getting overwhelmed by them.

There are many days when I feel overwhelmed by a situation that I cannot problem-solve, and regulation looks like taking a deep breath and saying, "This is hard and really uncomfortable. You are doing the best that you can." That counts, and it matters.

Regulating your emotions does not mean you're trying to control them; rather, it serves as a reminder that your emotional state is temporary and that you can move through it.

Step 5: Ask Yourself: What Need Is This Feeling Pointing To?

By now, you have learned how to pause, notice, and feel the emotions in your body, name the feeling, and help yourself regulate.

In step 5, you will explore why you're feeling this way and the underlying needs. This is the point where you connect the dots. Every behavior has a function, and every emotion is a signal that points towards a need.

If you grew up in a family where your feelings were pushed aside, punished, or made fun of, the idea of prioritizing your needs might feel unfamiliar. You might have learned that your needs don't matter, that needing anything makes you too much, or that you need to put your needs aside to keep the peace.

I am here to remind you that you are allowed to have needs. Your emotions are messengers that your body is sending, trying to get your attention. Starting today, make a promise to yourself that you will try to notice the attention.

Once your emotional intensity decreases a little, ask yourself, "What might I need right now?" That's it. Just a straightforward question and a willingness to be curious. If you're reflecting on a previous emotion, the question is still the same: "What do I think I needed in that moment?"

You don't need a perfect explanation for why you're feeling what you're feeling, you're just exploring what your emotions were asking for in that moment.
You might not always be able to meet the need right away, and that's okay!

The goal is to acknowledge the need and allow your emotions to take up space. 

This is where true change happens. You're listening to your emotional self and learning about what you need. You're changing the pattern of reacting and just coping.

That is a game changer in your healing journey when learning how to process your emotions.

BONUS: Break the Cycle With Curiosity Not Criticism  

Curiosity is going to be your best friend on this journey.

If you grew up in a house where your emotions were pushed aside, mocked, and made to feel like too much, chances are that when you do try to feel your emotions now, your first instinct might be to do the same. 

I am here to remind you that you have the power to break the cycle, and when you choose curiosity, you choose something different from what was modeled to you.  

I believe that with practice, you will learn to look at yourself with curiosity instead of criticism. A big part of learning how to process your emotions is being on your own team and allowing your emotions to take up space.

This does not mean you don't take responsibility for your actions or make excuses, but rather learn to slow down enough to understand why that emotion is showing up and what was the trigger. You give yourself the opportunity to create something new.

You don't need to have all the answers, and you won't get it right every single time, but as long as you are willing to listen to yourself, there is always room to make a different choice.

Helpful Tools for Processing Emotions

Let's talk about some helpful tools you can lean on when you're learning how to process your emotions. 

There is no surprise here, but one of the most powerful tools is journaling. When you write about your experiences and emotions surrounding it, it gives you a safe place to land. As you continue to write, you will start to see patterns that will help you understand yourself better.

Another useful tool is somatic-based. Somatic tools have been a game changer for me as they allow me to use my body to help my emotions move through. Whether you shake your body, focus on some deep breathing, go for a long walk, or take a yoga class, moving your body gently can help you reconnect with the present moment.

And lastly, talk to someone you trust. Whether it's a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a support group, talking about your emotions gives it the space it needs.

These are my top three tools. I know they may not fix everything, but they do help you build the emotional muscles you never got to grow up with.

Daily Habits to Care for Your Emotions

When learning how to process your emotions, you start by creating simple daily habits to make space for your feelings.

One simple habit is building emotional check-ins into your routine. I like to pair it with journaling. Whether you check in with yourself in the morning or before bed, asking yourself, "What am I feeling right now?" or "What are things that took up space in my mind today?" helps you build a relationship with your inner world.

Another habit includes ritualizing what brings you regulation. Think about what calms your system and try to incorporate that into your routine to help your body relearn what safety feels like. Whether it's rewatching a movie you enjoy, keeping an object nearby that reminds you of how strong you are, or enjoying the same workout class- you're thinking of things that are lifelines and practiced regularly.

Here are some other simple ideas to care for your emotions:

• Deep breathing exercise
• Setting small daily intentions
• Spending time in nature
• Eating one meal without distractions
• Listening to calm music
• Move your body
• Giving yourself permission to rest
• Enjoying your coffee/tea in quiet
• Having a simple morning routine
• Limiting screen time before bed
• Eating nutrient-dense foods
• Drinking water regularly
• Consistent sleep schedule

When you're raised in a dysfunctional family, learning how to process your emotions can feel overwhelming. 

Let me be the first to remind you that you don't need to do it perfectly; you just need to start. With the right tools and habits, you can focus on understanding your emotions and begin breaking the cycle.

This journey takes time, and I will be the first to say it's not easy. But every time you are able to pause, name your feelings, or care of yourself differently, you're becoming the kind of person your younger self needs. That is the life changing work. 

I am rooting for you always, cycle breakers! 

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