12 Reasons Brown Girls Don't Talk About Their Trauma Symptoms

Since starting Brown Girl Trauma, I have read stories from so many brown girls sharing why they don’t feel comfortable talking about their traumatic experiences and related trauma symptoms.

12 Reasons Brown Girls Don’t Talk About Their Trauma Symptoms

1. The dysfunction was normalized.

During one of our sessions, my therapist asked me, ‘when did you realize that you were living in a toxic house?’ I didn’t answer right then, but when I went home, I thought about it. Abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction were extremely normalized when I was growing up in India. Most of the families around us had similar patterns, so I never questioned it. It was just our normal.

As the famous saying goes- the body always keeps a score. My body did keep a score, and it started responding with trauma symptoms. Some common trauma symptoms were difficulty concentrating, depression, unexplained body sensations, shame, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, and getting emotionally flooded quickly (this list is not exhaustive). At the time, I did not know what trauma was, let alone trauma symptoms.

When I moved back to the United States, I met with my high school counselor, who normalized my symptoms the best she knew how. Putting names to some things I was feeling gave me hope. It meant that there was help. As I continued to seek help, I started looking inside my own house and community. This was when I started realizing that abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction are not normal. They are traumatic experiences.

Reflection Question: What is your definition of a healthy family? What types of families are you surrounded by, or were you surrounded by? Does your own family reflect the same patterns? What are those patterns, and are they consistent with your definition of a healthy family?

2. You were taught to put the needs of other people before your own.

How many brown girls can relate to this? We have an ingrained culture that demands women place others before themselves. If you look at your generational history, women have time and again been victims of sexism and patriarchy. For years, women in our community adhere to these expectations without questioning them.

They never stopped and asked (or were asked) what they were feeling or what they needed. They were just placed on this pedestal of life and tangled in the obligation of serving others. The women in your family may not have the emotional language to understand that it is okay to take care of themselves first, that pouring from an empty cup does not help anyone. A community that values a constantly self-sacrificing woman makes sense then if you don’t prioritize your trauma symptoms.

When I look at my own mom’s history, I can see how traumatic some of her experiences were, but she never stopped to grieve any of them. Her reasoning? She needed to show up for her family and community. ‘I will get to it,’ ‘what is the point of talking about it now, ‘my parents will fall apart,’ ‘what will people say, etc. are all things you may have told yourself to put the needs of others before yours.

Your value is not determined by the sacrifices you make.

Reflection: How do you show up for yourself?

3. You were told you were ‘crazy’, ‘too emotional’, or ‘seeking attention’

This one is extremely common in the South Asian community. If you may have even tried to talk to someone about what you were feeling, you may have been told these things-

She is crazy.
You are too emotional.
She is seeking attention again.
It is all in your head.
She is possessed.

When someone goes through a traumatic event, the last thing they need to hear is invalidating comments. Just because you do not understand something does not mean it is not real for someone else. When we label women with these dangerous tags, the stigma increases. You start to question yourself and think, ‘maybe I am crazy, or ‘perhaps I am too emotional. This teaches you to suppress how you feel and not trust yourself.

I am here to remind your experiences are valid, and I believe you! If you go through a traumatic event, it is extremely common to have trauma symptoms. I think we have started to scrape some of the stigmas in our community as more people in our generation are speaking up about their traumatic events and fighting to reduce the stigma. However, there is still a lot of work to be done.

Reflection: When you first shared your story, what were the responses you received? Do you think that plays a role in how you choose to show up with your story today?

4. You think no one will understand.

The dysfunction can seem so normal when you are surrounded by it. We only know what we are exposed to, and if dysfunctional patterns are all you have seen, then that is what you will know. When I first started experiencing trauma symptoms, I had similar thoughts. Firstly, I did not have the words to explain what I was experiencing, and even if I could formulate a sentence, who would I talk to?

The fear that no one will understand is paralyzing. So many people in this community have reached out and thanked me for normalizing their experiences. It is truly like a breath of fresh air to realize you are not alone in your experiences, and some people understand.

If you are someone who thinks no one will understand, please visit my Brown Girl Trauma Instagram, and you will find an entire community that stands with you. Not everyone understands our experiences, and that is okay. Sometimes people do not know how to respond. That is okay. You find a community that you know will understand.

Reflection: Do you feel like you are alone? Who are some of the people you think you may feel comfortable sharing your mental health thoughts with?

5. You grew up silently watching your own mom.

Growing up, I always watched my mom get sidelined when it came to anything related to her. I have never seen her ask for something she emotionally needed. I never saw my dad ask her anything either. That was just how things were, and those were the patterns I picked up for myself too. Year after year, I watched my mom silently live with her experiences. Then she would show up for everyone as if nothing happened.

When we think of immigrant parents, we don’t realize how much trauma their body is carrying. It does not excuse their behavior but allows room for empathy. You must reflect on your parent’s patterns because you will show up in similar ways in your relationships if you don’t. Hiding your trauma symptoms does not help anyone, especially you.

Reflection: Reflect on your generational history and how the women in your family have dealt with their trauma. Now reflect on your patterns. Are you repeating the same pattern for yourself?

6. But what will people think.

This statement has killed more dreams than anything else in the world.

Dress appropriately, or what will people think.
Don’t speak loudly or what will people think.
Keep your mental health struggles to yourself, or what will people think.
You can’t move out of the house before you are married. What will people think?

The list can go on and on. So many of us haven’t pursued careers, relationships, adventures, therapy because of this statement. Especially when it comes to women, because some parts of our families/community may still see us as liabilities, topics like depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc., are not something that is not talked about.

You might not care what other people think, and maybe your family does. This can be another reason many brown girls do not talk about their trauma. Tactics like guilt-tripping, shame and silent treatments are used to silence your story. In these situations, it is important to have a safe space like therapy to reflect on these tactics and the harm they cause.

People will talk regardless, so try to look past this idea of what will people think. Anything that comes at a cost to your mental health cannot and should not be worth it.

Reflection: Do you care about what people think when it comes to your mental health? Whose voice are you hearing when you think about talking about your experiences? Is it your voice or someone else?

7. You may have been taught that love means your ability to tolerate.

This is highly advocated for in our community, especially for women. How many times have you heard people say, ‘women are more tolerant, ‘women should compromise because men are weak,’ ‘a woman’s responsibility is her family first,’ ‘people get mad at those they love the most’. These are dangerous and harmful ideas.

When you think about your trauma symptoms, you may have chosen to tolerate the emotional pain. The more you tolerate, the stronger you look (in our community, at least). Tolerating something at the expense of your mental health is not worth it. You deserve to be heard and validated for your experiences.

Love does not mean your ability to tolerate. Not tolerating does not mean you don’t love the person.

Reflect: Do you believe that love means your ability to tolerate it?

8. You don’t know where to start.

This is very common. You may know that what you are experiencing is a result of your traumatic experience(s), but you don’t know where to start.

When I first experienced anxiety, I did not know that is what it was called. I just knew I had a racing heart, extreme worry, inability to focus, and restlessness. We lived in a small village in India where I had never heard of mental health or mental illness. I went to our village doctor, who dismissed us, saying that this was common for my age, and it will get better with time. Now mind you, for someone who did not know anything about mental health and anxiety, we believed this doctor, and I just waited on time.

Of course, it did not just go away on its own. When I moved back to the United States, my high school counselor was the first to use the words anxiety and depression. Knowing there was a name for what I felt meant there was help. That was the day hope came back to me.

If you do not know where to get started, therapy would be the first place to look into. Call your local clinics to see if they have consultations available. Most of the time, consultation is free as we want to know if it would fit our mental health needs. They have resources to direct you to what’s next if therapy isn’t an option right now.

If you do not have therapy clinics around, use social media communities as support. There are so many incredible accounts that help people get started on their healing journey.

Reflection: What resources do you currently have at your exposure? (This could be friends, family, community resources, etc.) Can you start there?

9. The culture of silence

We have a culture of silence. Let us not sugar coat this truth. Things like abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction are brushed under the rug. Most of us have a more challenging time realizing that we are being raised in a dysfunctional environment. You grow up watching everyone in your community hiding taboo things, and we celebrate something that brings honor to our family. It is normal to feel that our trauma symptoms need to be silenced.

This could not be further away from the truth. We have to break the culture of silence and talk about these issues because it determines the course of our life. It should matter.

Reflection: How does your family/community reflect the culture of silence? How does that impact the way you talk about your experiences?

10. You think you need to go through it alone.

As someone who has practically raised themselves emotionally, you may think you need to go through it alone. Maybe you feel guilty about what happened, and you are trying to rationalize it by putting only yourself through the painful feelings. Perhaps you are in a space where you cannot talk about what you are going through, which means you need to go through it alone.

Through the power of social media, we have found people worldwide connected with the Brown Girl Trauma community. This past year thousands of people got to realize they were not alone in their experiences. That is a powerful realization.

If you feel like you are going through it alone, I hope you find comfort in knowing there is an entire community that stands with you.

Reflection: Do you have a community where you feel like you belong? If your answer is no, challenge yourself to find 1-2 communities that you may find a connection with.

11. What’s the point of talking about something that passed?

As a trauma survivor, you may have had thoughts like ‘what is the point of talking about something that has passed?’, ‘will talking about the trauma take you back in time when it never happened?’, ‘Does it fix anything?’ etc.

Speaking from personal experiences, talking about our traumatic experiences can be extremely painful as it requires us to relive those moments again. Firstly, this is why it is SO important to make sure you are processing this with a professional who can offer you a safe space and guide you through reliving it in a way that helps you know you are not alone at that moment. Secondly, talking about your trauma symptoms is essential. It enables you to understand where these symptoms are stemming from and making sense of what happened.

Talking about our traumatic experiences can help you debunk some of the mistaken beliefs you adopted to survive. Most importantly, the biggest reason to talk about something that passed is to realize that you are more than your trauma.

Reflection: Journal why you think you may not want to talk about your trauma symptoms or mental health in general.

12. You may not realize your trauma symptoms are a response to your traumatic event.

The experiences you go through might have been so normalized that you don’t even realize that they are traumatic. When I first started experiencing my trauma symptoms, it never occurred to me that it was a response to the traumatic events I was going through. It never occurred to me that my body kept a score of chaos, unpredictability, and emotional abuse.

Listening to your body is so important and takes practice. It is where all the answers lie.

Reflection: Journal about your trauma symptoms. When do you experience them the most, and when do you experience them the least. Do this for several weeks to find patterns.

Talking about our traumatic experiences is hard- I get that. However, when you repress your trauma, it does not just go away. It gets stored in our bodies. This is why you must take the time to reflect on why you are not seeking help, what barriers you are facing, and what your next steps are. You have the power to change your life- it all comes down to choices.

Giving up on yourself is not an option.

You deserve to heal and be heard.

You deserve to live a life that is thriving and not just surviving.

*This post may not be true for everyone. What I shared is merely my own experience and what I have learned from others over these past several years.